My hubby looks like a donkey when he doesn’t shave. Not that I need an excuse to tie him up, chain him to the bed with a collar and mount him. In fact, to celebrate his useless ass for finally getting a win the other night I surprised him with a whipping and spanking before dominating the crap out of that pussy. He loved it so much he cried for hours… though its possible that they might have not been happy tears…
While the despicable widely-hated New York Yankees were able to buy their two last wins at the beautiful rat-infested Fenway Park, every ESPN expert knows that between the two, the Red Sox are the team with the heart, soul and grit. Franklin Morales turned in a bonafide pitching performance today, blemished only by four lazy fly balls by the monstah that somehow turned into home runs. Tonight, future all-star ace Felix Doubrant is predicted to strike out 52 Yankees as our small market heroes win the game 332-5. Even with a tweaked groin, Carl Crawford is one misplayed Game 162 catch away from being better than all the Yankee outfielders put together. Tune in to FOX to hear stimulating commentary by Joe Buck and Tim McGruber. Someone give me a milkshake.
I’m getting 4 out saves on the road in big spots!
If I hear another gripe about my paycheck I will sic the lean mean fighting machine Randy Levine on your ass.
While Cashman was ordering hits on unborn children I scouted Rafael Soriano.
I actually stood in the batter’s box. He threw that slider and I shit my pants. I signed him right there. The rest is Yankeeography.
Dear Randy Levine
Please give the Dbacks anything they want for me. I will look great in pinstripes. I am a 24 year old 5 tool talent having a sucky half.
I have a decent contact. Did I mention I was ONLY 24 years old?
Only I could get shelled early and often and still keep a smug smile on my face when I strike out the side. No matter the score of this game or any other game I still get paid millions.
Now excuse me, I have to drink garbage ass cheap Texas beer, bitch like a little girl any time I “throw” at a batter and the other team retaliates, and bang my own asshole with a wooden dildo. I rule.
Only I could fail a drug test, the same as A-Rod mind you in 2003, and have it wiped under the rug as MLB, Reebok, Majestic, ESPN, and everyone in between celebrates me hitting 400 career homeruns.
Now excuse me, I have to bitch about the front office only paying me $16million dollars this season while others on this ball club get paid less for more years worth of work.
We love ya here in the Boston organization Papi! As long as I’m taking care of things nobody will know or care about your “Dominican milkshake” issues. Hell, we covered up Manny’s problems for years and I didn’t even like the guy.
Heading up to Fenway for the next three games. Talked to a friend last night who said Lupica was in the owners box and was seen posing for pictures with Red Sox fans. Not that I am surprised but really shouldn’t he at least give the image of being impartial. Tip of the cap to Kuroda who unlike the Texas Cowboy tried to 6 innings. Oh yeah does every Red Sox pitcher have to stare in at a batter after a strike out? Is that part of the douche training in Fort Myers?
Unlike us, we have very strict standards, a whole laundry list of qualities players must have in order to be considered one of us. For example:
-we have strict limits on the number of dahhkies and spics and chinks
-preferably the player should be a pussy (like Varitek fighting with his mask on, or Adrian complaining about the schedule… what troopers!)
-disgusting facial pube– err, hair (Youk, Beckett, Pedroia, the list goes on and on)
-no roids, only milkshakes (like Ortiz, who doesn’t love that fat milkshake-guzzling mexican?)
-a little bit racist… or a lot. Ask Salty.
-show gritty behavior, like Dustin ‘way better than that lazy spic Cano’ Pedroia, Jacoby ‘Buckner’ Ellsbury (he’s so dreamy!!!) and Clay ‘Laptop Stealer’ Buccholz.
Yes, why did we pick up your black ass? So you could give us their signs? We could have used another arm in the pen. And can we please end this Corey Wade experiment?
They should still figure out a way to have Tek and Wake be player/coaches, and not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. The fans of Fenway deserve better.
58 Comments
Brian S. July 7, 2012 00:40
Clutch hitting Teix!? WTF!?
brian July 7, 2012 01:00
At what point to we fans stop pretending to give a shit about players salaries and just enjoy soriano…
rob balis July 7, 2012 01:12
and tex 30-100 and gold glove defense annually
Russell Martin July 7, 2012 01:40
Don’t forget my overwhelming offensive and defensive production!
Reggie Jackson July 7, 2012 11:12
Russell is my very good friend. He is also a complete pile.
Beers of the World July 7, 2012 01:17
As long as fans continue to shell out $14.50 for a can of Fosters his salary shouldn’t really be an issue.
rob balis July 7, 2012 01:42
you know for all the crap tex gets…he ranks pretty high among other first baseman
6th in ops
2nd in homers
3rd in rbi
4th in walks
2nd in runs
and hes probably the best defensive first baseman in the league….i dont understand the problem and why everybody hates tex so much
Leigh Teixeira July 7, 2012 01:51
Don’t forget, with a face like that it feels so natural to just… mount him, you know? Mount him like the horse he is.
Cliff Lee's Wife July 7, 2012 02:04
My hubby looks like a donkey when he doesn’t shave. Not that I need an excuse to tie him up, chain him to the bed with a collar and mount him. In fact, to celebrate his useless ass for finally getting a win the other night I surprised him with a whipping and spanking before dominating the crap out of that pussy. He loved it so much he cried for hours… though its possible that they might have not been happy tears…
Clutchness July 8, 2012 13:28
I may have something to do with this.
Call me Crazy July 7, 2012 18:21
In November when we can’t afford Hamilton… Or Granderson… Or Swisher.. I hear Cody Ross is going to be available.
Moshe Mandel July 7, 2012 01:05
They hate Jews
bennie Kaaaa Bak esq July 7, 2012 02:11
BREAKING NEWS….. .I am actually 2.001 inches, not just 2 inch’s… Daddy and I will celebrate this amazing news with some matzo
Green Shitty Monster July 7, 2012 01:43
Turned a bunch of long fly outs into at least 4 runs.
Randy Levine July 7, 2012 01:48
Pitch it, Soriano, Pitch it! Strike him out, strike him out!
Mark Teixeira July 7, 2012 01:56
Gotta make the back of my baseball card look good.
Joeybagonuts July 7, 2012 02:34
Boston fans gotta be scratchin’ their heads about Teix in Fenway… like Verlander scratchin’ his head about gettin’ destroyed by Russell Martin.
Eric Ortiz July 7, 2012 16:46
While the despicable widely-hated New York Yankees were able to buy their two last wins at the beautiful rat-infested Fenway Park, every ESPN expert knows that between the two, the Red Sox are the team with the heart, soul and grit. Franklin Morales turned in a bonafide pitching performance today, blemished only by four lazy fly balls by the monstah that somehow turned into home runs. Tonight, future all-star ace Felix Doubrant is predicted to strike out 52 Yankees as our small market heroes win the game 332-5. Even with a tweaked groin, Carl Crawford is one misplayed Game 162 catch away from being better than all the Yankee outfielders put together. Tune in to FOX to hear stimulating commentary by Joe Buck and Tim McGruber. Someone give me a milkshake.
rob balis July 9, 2012 07:19
spic
Rafael Soriano July 7, 2012 02:55
I’m getting 4 out saves on the road in big spots!
If I hear another gripe about my paycheck I will sic the lean mean fighting machine Randy Levine on your ass.
Randy Levine July 7, 2012 02:56
While Cashman was ordering hits on unborn children I scouted Rafael Soriano.
I actually stood in the batter’s box. He threw that slider and I shit my pants. I signed him right there. The rest is Yankeeography.
Animal Mother July 7, 2012 06:36
You are one sick motherfucker, funny though.
Alex Rodriguez July 7, 2012 02:56
I’m a singular sensation!
The Ghost of Billy Martin July 7, 2012 02:56
Please release any Yankee that was high five & butt slaping
Kuroda as he was headed to the showers! What game were they watching?
Justin Upton July 7, 2012 04:16
Dear Randy Levine
Please give the Dbacks anything they want for me. I will look great in pinstripes. I am a 24 year old 5 tool talent having a sucky half.
I have a decent contact. Did I mention I was ONLY 24 years old?
The Pope July 7, 2012 09:01
24 eh? Way too old for me.
Brett Pedroia July 7, 2012 16:20
Amen
The Soul Patrol July 7, 2012 06:05
We were keeping the outfield of Fenway in check in the 9th.
Left our white sheets at home... July 7, 2012 13:36
but DAMN it, I knew we shouldn’t have wasted our best material on Cahl Crahfahd…
Looks like somebody's got a case of the... July 7, 2012 13:39
Mondays
["Soulfinger" playing in the background] July 7, 2012 14:48
http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/02ow4co5OSf0r/439x.jpg
Josh Beckett July 7, 2012 06:09
Only I could get shelled early and often and still keep a smug smile on my face when I strike out the side. No matter the score of this game or any other game I still get paid millions.
Now excuse me, I have to drink garbage ass cheap Texas beer, bitch like a little girl any time I “throw” at a batter and the other team retaliates, and bang my own asshole with a wooden dildo. I rule.
Animal Mother July 7, 2012 06:39
Don’t forget, you gotta play golf on the days after you miss a start. After all it’s on your time.
Youk July 7, 2012 16:22
Your facial hair looks just like your unshaven pubes
Newman July 8, 2012 13:33
I can hook up up and on Kenny Rogers Roaster’s.
Ki m Last July 9, 2012 15:52
Lumps
David Ortiz July 7, 2012 06:11
Only I could fail a drug test, the same as A-Rod mind you in 2003, and have it wiped under the rug as MLB, Reebok, Majestic, ESPN, and everyone in between celebrates me hitting 400 career homeruns.
Now excuse me, I have to bitch about the front office only paying me $16million dollars this season while others on this ball club get paid less for more years worth of work.
George Mitchell July 7, 2012 09:04
;)
We love ya here in the Boston organization Papi! As long as I’m taking care of things nobody will know or care about your “Dominican milkshake” issues. Hell, we covered up Manny’s problems for years and I didn’t even like the guy.
3rd base at Fenway July 7, 2012 06:12
This space for rent. Please call John Henry to inquire about renting this space out for this season.
Youk July 7, 2012 16:24
Bet you wish I was still around, don’t you fuckers? Instead you get to see me doing my gay batting stance with the other better Sox.
Josh Reddick, Jed Lowrie, Justin Masterson, and Jonathan Papelbon July 7, 2012 06:13
Do you miss us now, Bean town?
Fenway's Massive Bullpen Cop July 7, 2012 09:33
I’m a huge pussy. Seriously.
Inconvenient Truth July 7, 2012 09:49
Anyone else expecting Boone Logan’s stem to fall off?
The Truth July 7, 2012 09:58
Heading up to Fenway for the next three games. Talked to a friend last night who said Lupica was in the owners box and was seen posing for pictures with Red Sox fans. Not that I am surprised but really shouldn’t he at least give the image of being impartial. Tip of the cap to Kuroda who unlike the Texas Cowboy tried to 6 innings. Oh yeah does every Red Sox pitcher have to stare in at a batter after a strike out? Is that part of the douche training in Fort Myers?
Friday Night July 7, 2012 11:14
I went to the game last night and sat with the degenerates in the bleachers.
Didn’t see that cun* Lupica out where I was… I will be at the game on Sunday in Sox employee seats.
Pitch Clock July 7, 2012 16:25
10 minutes between pitches for Mr. Beckett… hurry the fuck up already!
Rickey July 7, 2012 10:21
my hammy hurts
Andruw Jones July 7, 2012 13:56
Franklin WHO?!
Darnell McDonald July 7, 2012 13:57
Whew!! Thank God the Yankees don’t have standards anymore when it comes to acquiring new players!
Red Sox Organization July 7, 2012 16:36
Unlike us, we have very strict standards, a whole laundry list of qualities players must have in order to be considered one of us. For example:
-we have strict limits on the number of dahhkies and spics and chinks
-preferably the player should be a pussy (like Varitek fighting with his mask on, or Adrian complaining about the schedule… what troopers!)
-disgusting facial pube– err, hair (Youk, Beckett, Pedroia, the list goes on and on)
-no roids, only milkshakes (like Ortiz, who doesn’t love that fat milkshake-guzzling mexican?)
-a little bit racist… or a lot. Ask Salty.
-show gritty behavior, like Dustin ‘way better than that lazy spic Cano’ Pedroia, Jacoby ‘Buckner’ Ellsbury (he’s so dreamy!!!) and Clay ‘Laptop Stealer’ Buccholz.
… and many more, but the rest are confidential.
Common Cents July 8, 2012 13:53
Yes, why did we pick up your black ass? So you could give us their signs? We could have used another arm in the pen. And can we please end this Corey Wade experiment?
Inconvenient Truth July 7, 2012 18:36
Freddy just fingered the Sawx.
This Sawx team is pathetic. It’s like watching the Orioles play.
wake up July 8, 2012 02:15
there is no award for being the most efficient team in baseball
#untuck
Rick Sutcliffe July 8, 2012 13:50
They should still figure out a way to have Tek and Wake be player/coaches, and not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. The fans of Fenway deserve better.
Ephues Padillia July 8, 2012 13:59
Mark Teixeria is a woman and hates people with brown skin – imagine that a craker-bigot on america’s rainbow team….
http://www.nesn.com/2012/07/vicente-padilla-accuses-mark-teixeira-of-bad-behavior-in-texas-contends-slugger-should-play-a-womens.html
Smart Guy July 8, 2012 19:39
sadly he is right, Teixeira should go play for a womens team cause hes an overpriced whinny faggot.
sure he scoops every ball thrown at him, but isnt that what whores are good at also?
rob balis July 9, 2012 12:54
am i the only human who thinks this is hilarious
http://a.espncdn.com/media/motion/2012/0625/nyc_120625_yankees_hope_week_monday.jpg
BEXY July 9, 2012 15:52
I SAID PUT THE BURRITO IN THE MICROWAVE